Monday 17 February 2020

More about the isolation/interfering limits

(This is an in-depth explanation of specific limits. For my full limits list, click here.)

I make kind of a big deal about the hard limit of not isolating me or interfering in my relationships with other people and the world, in general, and sometimes, it is misunderstood. 

The most often response I hear is a variation of, "So, you're saying you want a [commitment/dynamic/place of importance/etc] from me, but I will be at the bottom of your priority list, and I never get to have time alone with you or your undivided attention?"

No! I'm saying that I have a full and engaging life, and expect to continue doing so.

 I refuse to be placed in the position of choosing one person or other part of my life over, or to the exclusion of another. Everyone and everything in my life has a place within it, and those places can vary, depending on the situation.
The surest way to no longer be a part of my life is to give me an ultimatum involving choosing between you or someone/something else I love. The choice is automatically made, and it won't be you. Guaranteed. 
It might hurt. I might cry. I might grieve the loss of whatever we had, for a while, but it will be done and I will not regret it.

I won't blow off a shift (paid or not), skip a meeting, break a date, disobey a rule/command or interrupt time specifically slotted for one person/thing, just because something else more fun crops up, a different person wants to do something, or whatever. That is just inconsiderate and douchy! If I give my word/agree to something, I do what I said I will do, in the absence of truly mitigating circumstances.

Yes, I will bail on someone/something less urgent in a heartbeat if someone or something else urgently, legitimately NEEDS my attention. You know, like an emergency or crisis. No one gets veto power over dealing with something serious. That applies the same whether you are one in need or are the one getting pre-empted. 

 By the same token though, I expect and fully support the same in return. I can wait for the [fun thing we've been looking forward to] or go on my own or change our plans and assist, as appropriate, if someone or something important to you is imploding too! It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. 

Honestly, if someone chose doing something fun with me in favour of taking care of something that really needed doing - especially letting someone about whom they allegedly care suffer a crisis alone, just to spend time with me - I would most likely rethink whether they were someone worth my time anyway.

If there is a specific concern or issue about something, it can be discussed, reasonably, like adults, and if that thing is causing an actual problem (as opposed to your own issues causing a problem), it can be dealt with accordingly. 
If someone seems to be having an inordinate number of "emergencies" that coincidentally occur whenever I'm not giving them attention, and I somehow fail to notice the pattern and shut it down, for instance (not bloody likely!), or if I seemed to be approaching something in an unhealthy manner, then sure, I'd understand a discussion about it, and would try to be reasonable and objective. 

Bottom line - I'm not getting rid of someone or something important in my life just because someone else doesn't like it or feels insecure abut it. 

This also applies to deciding that the way to exert your control over me is to restrict or forbid the things most important to me on a day to day basis, like music or coffee, or things in life I specifically enjoy or believe (like camping, cigars, conventions, reading, changing my spirituality/religion or politics, or any deeply held beliefs, etc) on your whim, assuming they are not posing some actual problem, beyond you not liking it. Limiting something really important, temporarily, as a punishment for something major? Sure, I get it. As a "new set of rules"? Deal breaker. 'Why did I feel the need to add this aside?', you may wonder. Wonder no more. That example isn't the only one by any means - just one that was entertaining enough to share.
 If your own, personal strength is not enough to engender submission, and you need to break someone down in order to feel like you're in charge, then no; I am not the droid you're looking for.

If this is a problem, you may as well close down any and all of my profile pages and take your leave, because we will not mesh well. 

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