An Excerpt from the “Khaos Management User Guide”*, Addressed to Doms
Those words and the
spaces in between them mean a wide scope of different things to
different people.
As such, when used without
clarification, a whole host of misunderstandings can occur. This
writing is an explanation of what they mean to me and regarding
me, and, more specifically, some things that do (and don't)
work well for managing me, as well as some more explanations about
how my brain works, and understanding some of the things that I do
that might piss you off, but are NOT deliberate (and how to shut
them down effectively)!
When I think of
micromanagement, I tend to think of things like the following:
Asking permission for EVERYTHING, from getting out of (or into) bed, putting on clothing, going to the bathroom, using furniture, eating, or drinking, to leaving the house, going on a trip, talking with a friend, getting a haircut, etc.
Being told specifically what/when/how to dress, style one's hair or makeup, groom and bathe, etc. I don't mean once in a while, or, "I want you to shave your legs/touch up your hair/get a trim today/this week". I mean like, ALWAYS having to be presented just so or having those things specifically dictated each day.
Being told exactly what and when (like to the minute) to eat, or having very strict dietary parameters in terms of specific foods allowed/forbidden, portion sizes, and similar.
Having to account for every minute or action of the day
Mandatory checking in several times a day and/or having all "free time" dedicated to one person.
Being constantly monitored/supervised, whether on cam or in person.
Giving unrestricted access to personal, password protected or other areas that generally have a reasonable expectation of privacy (Social media/email/messaging accounts, phone calls and messages, private conversations, etc.).
These are not the sorts of things I require, nor do really I
desire any of them or their like. Some of them, some of
the time, on a temporary basis, I could deal with, especially if it
is for specific reasons, like reinforcing something, learning a
lesson, as a disciplinary tool, or even just as a service because it
pleases the D-type. I'm good with pleasing the D-type! I want
that! It makes me feel accomplished, useful, and happy!
Not
wanting or needing that level of (micro)management does not mean that
I am fully self motivating, intuitively know what I should do, or
that too much of a "hands off" approach will work
with me, though.
What I need falls more into the category of
macro-management.
Likely due to being on the autism spectrum, there
are lots of things that many, or even most “neurotypical” people
might view as "obvious" that aren't to me. Same goes for
hints and cues. More often than not, they fly right over my head. I
am usually not deliberately obtuse, and I am honest and
forthright, often to a fault, when queried or when I actually realise
something should be shared. I am frequently, however, unintentionally
obtuse or dense. I wish I weren't. I'm sorry. It is frustrating for
me too! As irritating as it can be for you and others to deal with my
imperfections, just imagine how I feel, having to deal with them
every moment of every heartbeat of every day!
While I don't
need to have someone monitoring my every moment and telling me at
every turn what I should be doing or am allowed to do right then, I
DO need, whether I always want them or not, clear and specific
instructions regarding what is expected of me - an outline of what I
should be doing regularly, may or may not do, which things require
permission, at any given time, or within certain parameters, what
exceptions there may be, etc.
That means, if you say,
"keep me informed of things I need to know", without
specifying what sorts of things you feel are "need to know",
I am left to decide on my own, and may well decide that if I handled
something, or you didn't ask about it, or I don't think it is a huge
deal, or.. whatever, I may neglect to mention it, even if it falls
into the category of "things you should know", in your
mind. Not deliberately - but more out of being unsure. In the absence
of clear guidelines and protocols, I am more likely to default to
dealing with things or trying to figure them out myself, "not
bugging you" with anything short of the impending apocalypse,
and/or withdrawing into myself.
Same goes for
communication/staying in touch/checking in. I often don't think to
check in unless something major has changed and/or there is something
specific to report, and I rarely initiate contact unless I have
something in particular to ask/tell the person in question, or I have
been specifically instructed to do so.
So, if you expect
me to, say, message you every morning on waking and every night
before bed, or X times per day, or to report what I have been doing
and/or what daily tasks I have completed, what I have eaten, if my
blood sugar has been above/below a certain threshold, etc., I need
that spelled out for me. If you tell me to text you every morning,
that could mean any time before noon. If you want it to be "by
[time]", or, "within [X time units] of waking", each
morning, then I need that information. Completion of tasks or
assignments also falls into this category. If you want something
finished by a certain deadline, or an essay should be a minimum
and/or maximum length, or answer/address specific points, or you want
a task to accomplish a particular outcome, I need to know. I don't do
well with open-ended questions, prompts, or instructions. I am GREAT
at problem solving and coming up with a plan for something if there
is a specific goal, and I can follow precise instructions, even if I
don't know the goal (though I may baulk more at those and need to be ordered to just do it).
Too
often, I have heard, "You know what I meant!", when that is
not, in fact, the case. I take many things literally, and rely
heavily on my very pragmatic sense of logic and reasoning, so, much
of the time, I assume you meant exactly what you said -
nothing more and nothing less.
If I ask for clarification,
or my obedience doesn't include something that you think is obvious,
but was not explicitly stated, then I probably do/did not know
what you meant. Tell me, and
then I will know,
and probably remember it in future. In fact, I will most likely
mentally add it to the list of preferences, expectations, or rules
for future reference, so if it was just for that instance, you may
want to tell me that too! Otherwise, I will probably refer to the
last instance for handling circumstances which I believe are similar.
So if I texted or called one morning and you were unhappy that I woke
you up, or interrupted something, don't be surprised when I wait for
you message me first, going forward, unless there is some other
instruction already in place.
I don't usually need to be
continually told these things, or reminded constantly of each,
individual thing, as long as I have a clear list of
rules/expectations laid out for me, to which I can refer if I
haven't been given specific instructions for a day (or week, or...).
I DO somewhat regularly need to be reminded to stay on task.
In addition to the autism spectrum disorder, I have severe, combo type ADHD. That means I tend to space things or get distracted. It isn't exactly that I completely forget them.. It's more like they drop from my radar, usually cause something else – some random sight or sound or thought or even just seemingly nothing – got in the way for the split second it takes to distract me sometimes. The odds of that happening has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with how important or how much of a priority something is. It really doesn't. I will swear this on everything I hold sacred. You may not understand it. You may have trouble believing it. Perhaps you can't even conceive of a mind functioning (or malfunctioning) in that way, but mine does. If you can't come to terms with that, and take me at my word, you may as well just give up on me now, and save us both a lot of time and trouble.
I need a timeline and a roadmap for my days, and need to know you will hold me accountable to them.
If it is important to you that some things be done in
a particular order, or if you want something prioritised, I need to
know that. Otherwise, I will get things done in whichever way makes
the most sense to me and/or works best within my other tasks, my
level of pain and/or ability, or whatever else is going on for a
given day.
There are a lot of things that may seem like me “just doing whatever I want”, that are really me doing the best I can with the information and orders I have. If you want to know which it is, ask me. I will tell you the truth, or at least the truth as I understand it. Sometimes, deeper introspection leads to discovery that I truly wasn't doing my best to do what I should have been doing, but if I am directed to write an essay or fully explain myself or similar, and still insist that I didn't know better, then trying to force me into “admitting” otherwise is most likely just going to make things worse. I've got a lot of experience in self-introspection, and am unlikely to shy away from a truth just because it is unpalatable. If I refuse to admit to something, even after thorough consideration, it is probably because I've done my due diligence and am telling the unvarnished truth.
At those points, instead of continuing to focus on why I “should” have known or done or understood something differently, it's really best to just clear up the misunderstanding and concentrate on finding a way to make sure I DO understand whatever it is in the future. Trust me... I'm already punishing myself MORE than enough for screwing up. Punishing me more isn't going to fix it. It will just help me feel like an utter failure. And if that is what floats your boat, we are not compatible in the least.
I hope this has been helpful.
* There is, as yet, actually no such thing as the “Khaos Management User Guide”, but this post and the ones linked from it is the closest thing to it. ;)
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