Friday 19 March 2021

A TRULY bad dream!

 So, I was going through some of my old journal entries, looking for a specific thing, for something else, and ran across this entry from 2015. It struck me that I should share it publicly. I'm not sure why, and I don't know if it will in any way prove useful or relatable or otherwise edifying for anyone but me, but that's not really for me to determine. It is just my thing to share, for whatever it's worth. 

For frame of reference regarding what I think of as "bad dreams", I have some pretty severe PTSD, and dreams that most would consider "nightmares" are more like action or horror films where I['m a star, for me. They don't upset me. They are just cool. The ones that I class as nightmares are shit most people can't even imagine, and are based on my real life past shit that makes seasoned therapists and homicide cops get all emotional. 'Nuff said there. 

With this dream though, I got a whole new outlook on a personal nightmare, and I feel like it really put things in perspective for me, in a very powerful and positive way. Maybe it can do the same for someone else.


FUCKED up dream!!

I was meant to be 2 places at once, one was an event of some kind, which I was meant to work, but I had forgotten that that was also the date I was to report for duty at another location.

My CO showed up at the community event site with my entire platoon, and was yelling and called me out by name. As soon as I saw the platoon marching up, of course, I remembered, and ran up to stand at attention at the road/trail thing. CO publicly chewed my ass up one side and down the other.. Besides being AWOL, I was out of uniform, my boots were smudged, and my hair was down in braids, etc, etc. After a very thorough dressing down, I was made to throw down ALL my weapons, kneel, put my face down to the mud in obeisance to all and sundry, and then kneel back up and proclaim, yelling as loud as I could, repeating, "I have no honour".

Then my CO and platoon marched off without another word, and no one would look at me, AND my community members all shunned me and turned and left, leaving me there, kneeling in shame, in the mud, with no company/regiment, no community/family, and publicly declared as having no honour.

I'd SO much rather dream of being maimed or killed or beaten or tortured or any of those other things that I have sometimes thought of as bad dreams. They are not. Any dream in which I show up for drill, stand and fight, or even TRY to fight, no matter the odds, and no matter how terrifying or awful the subject matter, is NOTHING compared to this!

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