Tuesday 19 March 2019

What I like about and seek within a D/s dynamic (from the 's' side)



I have been tasked with writing out, in detail, what I like about D/s (from the bottom), what, exactly, I seek within a D/s dynamic, and why. 

If you are a dominant man interested in pursuing a D/s dynamic with me, you should read this entire post, as well as my full profile, if you have not already done so, to see if you are actually interested. 

What I seek (and am not seeking)
Right up front, I am not interested in being owned again. I have come to value my rights and freedoms too much to be a slave, and I have also come to realise I am just not well suited to slavery. That doesn't mean I will not be obedient - it just means I want to retain some rights.

 I seek an authority and protocol oriented (as opposed to sexually or romantically oriented) D/s dynamic, with a strong focus on motivating me to develop and maintain good habits, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, in addition to service and BDSM aspects, as applicable. 

Clearly defined rules, expectations, routines, discipline, and communication are essential for me. I do not require (or particularly desire) extreme micromanaging, nor am I looking for a boyfriend, daddy, lover, or someone to rescue me (other than from my own foibles, perhaps), fix my problems, or do my footwork for me. I want - I NEED - someone who will motivate and push me to do my own footwork, who will not accept anything less than my best, and who will never consider failure to be a valid option.

  When I find a man to whom I will submit, I will strive to be obedient and pleasing to him, to serve him well and humbly, and to reflect well upon him and everyone who has graced me with their time and effort to train, teach, and mould me over the years. That said, the dynamic I seek does involve negotiations, limits, and allows me to retain many of the rights and status of a free woman, including the right to decide, ultimately, to whom I will or will not defer, the continuing ownership of my own property, including my human property, and being permitted to speak freely in public, within reason, and subject, of course, to specific limitations placed on me by my [Sir/Dom/Boss/D-type], and the proper bounds of a free woman. 

The arrangement could, potentially, include periods of "contract slavery" (meaning, in this context, a set period or periods of time, during which I behave and am treated fully as a slave - likely in private only, but technically retain my status as a free woman)

When I say I am not looking for a sexual or romance focused dynamic, I mean that this is ideal for a man who is specifically looking for a power dynamic because he gets something out of being the boss - being in charge, moulding and shaping a person into something better, being obeyed, setting rules and enforcing them, being served for the sake of service, etc, and gets his sexual and romantic needs met elsewhere, rather than one who is looking for a relationship or sex with a D/s component.
Granted, with the right person and circumstances, attraction may develop naturally, and I am not opposed to that, but if it is in any way your goal, we have different priorities and I am not interested.

Likewise, if you have trouble understanding how a D/s dynamic could work without a sexual or romantic component, your focus and mine most likely do not mesh, I am not what you want, and I do not wish to waste your time or mine with something which will not work.

Someone local would be great, and would allow for the BDSM aspects I crave, though long distance is doable, with proper communication and oversight. 

I live alone, other than the grandchild I am raising, and plan to continue to do so. I will not be relocating or cohabiting with any other adults. I am also poly, and will not permit interference in my other relationships. (these two points are absolutely non-negotiable).

What I like (and some of the why)
I like the structure, comfort, and security that D/s can provide. 

Life is full of uncertainties, and that can be even more true for someone who tends to be fiercely independent in most areas of life. When you have only yourself to answer to, sure, there is a lot of freedom in that, however, there is also the risk of becoming stagnant, losing focus or motivation, or getting caught in a tailspin trying to second guess yourself. 
Having established structure, rules, routines, schedule, and ongoing goals helps keep me healthy, in all respects, and I know that, but often, at least for me, simply knowing something is the right thing to do for myself isn't enough motivation. Even when I know I'm going to feel bad or guilty if I do/don't do something, I will often go for the instant gratification instead, and then feel like crap over it for the next however long. 

I have no problem doing right by other people, but if it's just me who is affected, it's a struggle. 
It is a weakness. I know it is. I have lots of strengths. That is not one. 

When I am answering to someone else for these sorts of things, I have more motivation, because I don't want to let that person down. Disappointing or displeasing someone to whom I am in service is very emotionally upsetting to me, and I will go to great lengths to avoid doing so. Conversely, having specific goals, tasks, rules, and similar means to be pleasing gives me more incentive to reach and maintain those goals - to know that he is proud of me, and/or pleased with me. 

The comfort and security factors come with knowing where the boundaries are, what is expected of me, and that his rules will be enforced. I need to know that wilfully disobeying or falling short will result in consequences beyond just feeling bad, and that his will is strong enough that he will follow through and follow up. I will not "brat" constantly on purpose, try and force his hand, or "top from the bottom" to try and get a particular outcome, however, I do have a strong tendency to test boundaries (usually so I know exactly where they are and that they are real)
I can also frequently go too far before realising I am doing so, when I am passionate about something, or caught up in the moment, especially if that moment seems funny to me. That can usually be brought to heel right away with a simple look, tone, or word to remind me of my place. I just need someone willing and able to give me that word, look, tone, command, or what have you.  

I can be a frustrating person. I am on the autism spectrum and have ADHD. I easily get distracted, have trouble staying on task, and lose track of or forget what I am meant to be doing frequently. I tend to take what people say at their face value, and miss "hints", subtext, and sometimes humour, because I can take things literally. I rely heavily on logic, and am more prone to rail against a decision if it doesn't make sense to me. I will get caught up in technicalities. I argue easily. I will find and probably exploit loopholes. I will be upfront and honest about doing so, giving information and opportunity to close them, rather than using them to be deceitful or get away with things in secret, but I will use them if they are there. It is my nature. It truly isn't deliberate, and I WANT to be good! That's why I need someone more dominant than I, to keep me in check, be very clear with me about boundaries and expectations, and be able to give the command to shut me down when needed. That someone has to have the tenacity to not give up on me, even when I do the same stupid/annoying crap for the umpteenth time.

Some insight on the whys and how to better manage and mitigate some of my annoying traits can be found here.

Some background information, may, perhaps, offer a better understanding of what I seek, and why.
I have been free since 2010, March 1.
For close to eight years prior to that, I was a Gorean slave; Fully owned, subject to all free (within the confines of my master's wishes, of course), and rightless.  I was given much rigorous training in casual and formalised service of food and drink, domestic and personal services, common slave positions, walking, standing, crawling, and speaking as a slave, striving for absolute obedience, perfect service, deference, and remembering to always mind my station, and speak "from my knees", in thought, even when not in fact.

 I also have been active in the BDSM scene since the very early 1990s, and have a great deal of experience with many forms of play, including a substantial amount of "edge play". I have a fairly high threshold for many forms of pain, so can be taken relatively far in terms of pain or other extreme sensation. (I have more detailed information regarding that, as well as references)
I tend to be driven by the desire to serve, so will endure a great many things I may not, necessarily like, for the sake of pleasing the one to whom I am in service at a given time.

Now, to more of the aforementioned whys...
Since being granted freedom, I have much enjoyed the privileges afforded me; The ability to speak as and when I see fit, to show deference and/or respect based on merit, rather than status, to come and go as I please, wear what I like, and answer to no one but myself, my higher power, or other legitimate authority that life can present to us all. (Please note that if I agree to submit to someone, that places them in the legitimate authority category.)

I plan to retain some degree of these freedoms. 

Nonetheless, I find that I miss many of the forms and fulfilments of service, being held in perfect obedience, put to my knees or through "slave paces" (positions, formalised serving, etc), subject to discipline, bound by rules, given tasks and/or punishments, whether for my own betterment, or simply because it pleases the one in charge.
I sometimes need to find that place within myself which is available only in subjugation of my will to that of another, completely adhering to the proper mindset, behaviour, and demeanour befitting a slave when serving in that capacity, whether that service is taking a beating, polishing boots (to USMC standards!) or silverware, cooking and/or serving meal or drinks, washing the dishes, engaging in conversation, simply sitting at their feet, or whatever other task or duty may be required of me. 

More importantly, I consistently find that I need direction and enforcement in order to stay on a proper path. Left completely to my own devices, I tend to go completely adrift, and crash and burn. I need to be accountable to an external authority in order to keep that from happening. And yes, I do mean "need". It has become very clear that this is a need, rather than a want. In fact, there are times when I really DON'T "want" it; But I definitely need it!

Here is the rub though...
I am through surrendering completely, without limit, as I have before. I am not a slave.
I (selfishly, perhaps, but I must be utterly honest here) wish to have a say in the limits and terms of my service.
I wish to negotiate, rather than to simply hand over all future decisions and rights to another person.

Publicly, and, by this I mean in general, day to day life and in interactions with my peers, especially those within the Gorean community, I wish to maintain the status of free woman, so that I will not be subject to the expectations placed upon a slave, except possibly during certain times mutually agreed to or deemed necessary, and even then, only within parameters which do not damage my standing as a free woman.

I realise that I clearly wish to, as it is said, "have my cake and eat it too". I further understand that many may find such selfish in the extreme and perhaps even deplorable, but I submit my thoughts and needs in full transparency, that interested parties may better know if this fits with what they seek, or whether they would prefer to move on. 

If you've gotten this far, and are still interested in more details, below is a list of my previous owners/dominants, and some of the rules and contracts within those dynamics. I'd ideally like something very close to the most recent contract again, though, of course, every dominant will have their own additions/tweaks. Constructive comments and suggestions on the editable, Google doc are welcome.

  • Chuck - Contracted "Owner" (FW contracted "slavery") most of 2000 (links to contract and rules when I find the old info)
  • Owl - Contracted "Owner" 2003.07.19 - 2003.09.16 (FW contracted "slavery") [contract & rules]
  •  Owl - Owner 2003.09.16 - 2010.03.01 - (no contract - full chattel slavery) [rules]
  • CW - Dom/Commander late 2010 to 2015, December (no contract - verbal agreement) [rules]
  • LRD - Dom early 2016 to 2018.03.06 - (Closest to what I currently seek) [contract]  [rules]
  • Necrotic - "Manager/Handler" 2020.04.13 - 2020.07.29 (no contract - verbal agreement. Rules were still being worked out when I was dismissed. Again.)
  • DDW - Dom 2022.01.11 - 2022.10.22 (no contract & constantly changing rules. Ended due to incompatible goals.)

Both dismissals, as well as several failed considerations have taught me additional things, and one, in particular resulted in quite a lot more disclosures here (on this and linked pages). Hopefully, these lessons and additions will help me to be more pleasing, and help the next dom/potential dom more fully understand what he may be getting into, which will, even more hopefully, be less likely to result in my being dismissed in disgrace, yet again.

Also added, 2019.09.24, due to multiple requests for link, the schedule I am meant to be keeping. I haven't been doing a great job, of late.