Sunday 31 August 2014

Wilderness camping pro tips!

These are a few "helpful hints", culled from years of experience going camping with people who don't go camping, and presented in snippets of actual conversation. 

  • You only need boots and sandals/water shoes. What are you going to do with one ENTIRE suitcase dedicated to shoes? IN THE WILDERNESS!!??
  •  No, there is nowhere to plug in your curling iron. Why the hell did you bring a curling iron camping!? You brought your hair dryer too!? Seriously? Nevermind, I need more coffee!
  • Of course the ranger got annoyed with you when you actually WHINED to him that you NEEDED a place to plug in your curling iron and hair dryer, and he should let you use the ranger station. And yes, you are extremely lucky I didn't disavow any knowledge of who you were right then and there!
  • No, you can't pop microwave popcorn by holding it on the pigsticker over the fire.
  • No, the ranger station doesn't have a microwave you can use.
  • No, we can't get a propane powered microwave.
  • No, you can't run a microwave, hair dryer, curling iron, or any of that other crap from my car battery!
  • No, I am not going to try and figure out how to cook your Lean Pockets. I told you not to bring anything that couldn't be cooked in the woods with no electricity. What part of NO ELECTRICITY did you not understand?
  • We TOLD you it was going to be VERY cold and you needed a layers, warm clothes, boots, and a sleeping bag rated for 0° at least. The $20 sleeping bag from Fred Meyer, that says it is rated for 40° WILL NOT CUT IT. Sweats and a sweatshirt with a light jacket are NOT "warm clothes" unless they are layered with other clothes, and your "cute outfits" and 5 pair of open toe shoes are useless.
  • No, I'm not cutting my trip (that cost lots me of money to put together and drive for) short to take you back to civilisation because you didn't follow my instructions. We'll make a trip into the nearest town in 5 more days for supplies and you can buy something. You'll have to make do until then.
  •  DO NOT waste my propane trying to warm your hands over the damn burner! Put on gloves. If you're still too cold, go gather and cut more wood and I'll build up the fire. I'm not cold, so I'm not cutting more wood. Cutting wood will warm you up.
  • No matter HOW many times you check to see if your phone has signal, it is STILL 10+ miles to the closest hope of cell range. 
  • Your tent is not "defective" and it doesn't "have a leak". I told you to stake it out tightly and keep everything away from the walls. No, you're not sleeping in my tent. Next time, follow directions. (this has got to be the #1 "conversation" I have with people when camping!)
  • We're 6,000 feet up Mt Rainier in November. Of course it's cold. What the hell did you expect!? Quit your whining and keep up.
  •  Yes, I'm very serious. You REALLY do have to stomp around and around all over that space in the snow to make a tent platform. 
  • I TOLD you you needed to make a tent platform. No, you can't use my "extra" (dry clothing/sleeping bag liner/other dry things) and you're not sleeping in my tent. Get out there, stomp out your platform, stake out your tent properly, and build up the fire to dry your own gear. I'm going back to sleep. 
  • No, you don't need the 967 lumens lantern just to go to the BIFFY (that's the outhouse/pit toilet/latrine, for the uninitiated)! Use your flashlight. What do you mean your phone is dead? What does that have to do with anything? WHAT? I told you to bring a FLASHLIGHT! That did not mean rely on your cell phone, which requires plugging in to recharge.

This is only a very small sampling, and, sadly, I didn't make ANY of it up! I'll add to it as I remember/collect more snippets. 

Do feel free to add your own experiences in the comments!

1 comment:

  1. Better you get the dweebs, some of us like the riffraff all in one spot. Over that a way -- far, far away.